uluvjl

Never assume I don’t recognize the cons, just because I choose to focus on the pros

Nani,

It’s been 7 years today since you passed. I still fight myself when trying to accept the fact that you’re really gone. I never got the chance to thank you for showing me what love is.

I’m also upset that you taught me not to trust anybody… although you’re advice has proved right, I know now that you meant… be careful who I trust. 

Ever since the day you died I swore I would never love anyone again, because losing you hurt too much. I hate that I knew you were going to die but I didn’t wanna believe it. I expected you to to beat cancer and I shouldn’t have. I think I always thought how strong you were meant you could do anything.

I hope you’re proud of me.

I think it’s about time I finally accept the fact that your death was not my fault.

I’m SORRY that I promised you I would get you out of the hospice. And I haven’t made a single promise since that day.

And I’m also sorry I was such a selfish teenager. 

I wish you wouldn’t have abused the medication the doctors prescribed you.

I wish you wouldn’t have ran to alcohol to escape reality.

You may have only been dead 7 years but I was without you for longer.

I wish we could’ve been closer…

I wish I could’ve fixed the issues you had with Marlene.

I know in my heart that you only stayed for me.

I love you for that.

But that’s the burden I still carry and I think I subconsiously search for someone who will stay with me no matter what.

I think I’ve found someone who I want to try really opening up to.

Maybe this clarity will bring closure and will allow me to LOVE again.

I loved you more than words could ever describe.

And I STILL miss you.

You’re ruined.

I don’t wanna brag, but I’ll be the best you ever had